Overheard on the bus*, Volume 5

Yeah!!! My favorite feature is back! Overheard on the bus: *to be honest, it was a trolley.

Woman: Tony, Tony! I've got a banana.
Bus Driver: Yeah?
W: Yeah, it's real green. You want it?
BD: Sure.
W: Yeah, it's green, just put it on your counter. It's too green to eat now.
BD: Yeah.
W: Yeah, you can't eat it now, you'll get sick. It's too green still.
BD: Yeah.
Woman: Yeah, it'll be too hard, it'll make you sick. It's too green.
BD: Alright
Woman gets up, hands him banana
BD: What the fuck. I can't eat this until 2010.
W:Don't be ridiculous Tony, it'll be good tomorrow.
...
...
W: You know what, you like pizza? How about mushrooms, olives, pepperoni and onions?
BD: Nah, nah, I don't eat mushrooms or olives.
W: Good thing you told me. You work Wednesday? I'll bring you a pizza.
BD: Where's my pizza?
W: I'll bring it Wednesday.

At this point a man got up really fast to get up and smashed the top of his head on the ceiling.

M: OHHHHHH FUCKKKK! Sonofabitchfucker!

I believe the term "Sonofabitchfucker" is my new favorite piece of English.

Overheard: Lawyers at lunch

Lawyer 1: So, yeah you guys, i won a trial this week.

Rest of lawyers feigning interest: Oh, yeah. Good job.

L1: Yeah, it wasn't so hard, it basically was handed to me.

L2: What do you mean?

L1: Well, so, my client was being charged with this drug charge, and the prosecutor had a proffer that wasn't anything better than the charge. So my client asks the prosecutor, "Wait, is probation and a felony charge a better offer than a felony charge and STS?" And the prosecutor starts saying, "Well, it's my opinion that." And he just cuts her off, he goes, "Don't answer. it was a rhetorical question. No it's not. I'm not taking this plea." And we all know that this type of charge has never been successfully prosecuted.

L2: Well why didn't she file to dismiss?

L1: That's the best part. So we're in front of the judge, and she goes, "Well, to be honest I don't have any evidence to convict this man of the crime, and I don't feel like it will lead to a conviction." And the judge asks, "Well, why don't you just move to dismiss?" And she says, "Because I want to have a job in the morning." Apparently the city prosecutor will fire any lawyer who dismisses a drug charge no matter what the circumstances because when election time comes around it looks bad if the city isn't hard on drugs. So I say, why don't we just try this thing now.

L3: No shit.

L1: So she says, "Well, I don't have an opening statement or closing, I wasn't prepared to go to trial today." And I say, "Well I'm not prepared at all either." So I pull my client into the hall and say, "Look, I don't have any opening statement and I'm not at all ready to go to trial. But there's no better opening statement than the prosecutor saying she doesn't have any evidence and can't convict you, so I figure we better take this freebie."

Overheard on the bus, Volume 4.

Moments of wisdom from the Politically Correct:

College Girl 1: I was playing board games with my brother last night
College Girl 2: Oh, he's so cute.
CG1: Yeah, but he' always cheating, so I have to call him out on it.
CG2: Oh, little kids always cheat, but they think they can get away with it.
CG1: Yeah, we were playing 'Guess Who?' and he kept looking at mine. I said "Ryan, I think you're cheating," and he started yelling "I'm not a CHEATER! I'm not a CHEATER!!" I was like, "If you can't handle being called a cheater Ryan, you should stop cheating."
CG2: They really need to make an updated version of 'Guess Who?' I mean, everyone is like a white male or a white woman with blonde hair. We have a black President!
CG1: Yeah... Although, that would make the game a lot easier. It would be like, "Is it an asian? Yeah? It's Xiong."
CG2: Yeah, I guess you're right. 'Guess Who' is a game that actually wouldn't benefit from ethnic diversity.

I almost died listening to this.
Then, I searched 'Guess Who?' to try and show everyone an example of the board, and this incredibly appropriate example was the first result.

Guess Who
Uploaded by kirstenlepore

Overheard today on the bus, Issue 3

Today, on my way to school, I heard by far the sickest shit I've ever heard on the bus. It was a one sided phone conversation.

Man with lisp: Hey, how's it going?
...
MWL: Oh, you know what, you're probably right!
...
MWL: Yeah, I was in such a rush last night, I probably left the smaller ones in my dresser drawer. Yeah, the case I left you probably didn't have the smaller ones in it.
...
MWL: Well, yeah, it's cause I don't usually use them anymore. Sorry.
...
MWL: You know, there's that double-sided one, and one end is smaller. Just use that. The smaller side will fit in, and the bigger one won't.
...
MWL: No really, just put the small end in.
...
MWL: No they don't! What do you mean they're stinky.
...
MWL: I washed them. Oh, SHUT UP!
...
MWL: I'll bring the smaller ones over tonight, we can use them together.


Really dude? You're not being that covert. I mean, I don't necessarily want to hear about what I can only imagine to have been a conversation about one specific thing. And these things aren't something you should be swapping with your friends.

PS:

Overheard in court today, made me laugh:

"Sir, your charge will be dismissed, under the condition that you do not get drunk and take off your pants on the bus again. No one wants to see that."

"Oh, is this the case about the girlfriend and the pee? Yeah, that's dismissed."

More conversations from the bus

I just had a good/bad experience. Good in the sense that I got to interview an artist I think is dope, bad in the sense that my computer overdosed on funk and died, effectively erasing the interview.

But hopefully it will be salvaged. In the meantime, here's a few more snippets from bus conversations:

Old lady: "You two have been such gentlemen to me."
Man #1: "I ain't no gentleman. A gentleman's a homosexual. I ain't NO FAG!"
Man #2: "Nah, I ain't with him on that. Thanks"
Man #1: "NAh man, I ain't a gentleman, I ain't a homosexual. LOOK IT UP MAN! LOOK IT UP!"
Old lady: "You can just say thank you and move out of the way of the door so we can keep moving."
Man #2: "He's crazy, I'm not with him on this. I'll be a gentleman."
Man #1: "You a homosexual?"
Man #2: "Nah man."
Man #1: "Gentleman means HOMOSEXUAL. Look it it. It derives from the word gentile."
At this point, most people in front of the bus are laughing.
Man #1: "They're laughing at you, HOMOsexual!"
Old Lady: "PLease get out of the way, whether you're a gentleman or not."

I laughed for quite a while about this one. For those of you who are curious about whether or not 'Gentleman' derives from "Gentile" and whether it means homosexual... This might provide some answers.

"You've got some beautiful wood"

I've been meaning to post about this for a while, but of course I've been distracted.

In the same vein as OverheardinNY or something similar, I have heard ridiculous things on the bus going to work and school over the past week. Here are a few examples:

Guy in funny hat to guy next to me: "You've got some beautiful wood." (This morning, the man sitting next to me was carrying planks of wood).


Old man to young man: "You don't know a muthafucking thing about the Native Americans"
Young man #1: "I'm doing my graduate thesis on displaced people and chemistry..."
Old woman, interjecting: "It's what they say, you can't trust everything you read."
Old man: "That's right. You white people killed ous brothers. YOU (directed at young man) killed MY ancestors!"
Old woman: "Mmmm hmmm. And I got it the worst of all. I'm black and native. You ever see that one movie, you know, about prohibition."
Young man #1: "Um... no, what."
Old woman: "You know, that guy... Sir... Sir.... Sir something. And that water world guy?"
Young man #1: "I'm not very good at remembering. I'm trying to quit smoking."
Old woman: "My son is 37 years old, and he never smoked in his life. If you had good parents you wouldn't be smoking."
Young man #1: "No, my parents smoked. I'm actually a recovering alcoholic."
Old woman: "You real mixed up in bad things. SEAN CONNERY! That's it, Sir Sean Connery."
Old man: "James Bond!"
Old woman: "You remember now? It's coming back to you now?"
Young man #1: "I don't think I've seen this movie."
Old woman: "You've seen it. Waterworld, who's that guy."
Young man #2, from back of the bus: "Kevin Bacon."
Young man #1: "No, Kevin Costner."
Old Woman: "Yeah, Kevin Costner. You remember now."
Young man #1: "No, you know. My memory is bad. You're also talking to a guy who had chemotherapy."
Old man: "Shut the fuck up."
Young woman, who has been rolling her eyes for fifteen minutes: "Will you all SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
At this point I got off the bus, but not before I heard a half bus shouting match that circled back to Native American history, with someone saying the word "Injuns."

Anyway, thought I'd share.