Today's Joke

Today's joke is brought to you by Tide.

I'm a cornucopia with teeth.

Is the Marshmallow Peep the chicken equivalent of a blow up doll?

What part of the chicken is the nugget by the way? It is my contention that the nugget must either be the soul of the chicken, or a lump of meat above the pancreas.

Speaking of chicken nuggets, have you ever noticed how babies in strollers are experiencing the best part of their lives and don't even know it? I wish I could eat a tupperware container of honey-nut cheerios, wearing oversized sunglasses while someone pushed me around all day. I imagine heaven is an upright hammock which rolls around and you can take naps in the hot sun. I think the first person to market an adult stroller will be shunned, but the second wave will surely catch on. No more wheel chairs. They are passe, and being in one indicates you have some sort of disability. I don't want people to judge my love of seated rolling as a disability, I'd rather they acknowledge it for what it is: I'm lazy. Let's call apples apples.

I wish we could all indulge in our laziness without being pressured to always do something like "get a job" or "do your homework" or "get dressed in the morning." I'm the type of lazy person that will actually spend hours of hard labor crafting devices to facilitate laziness, almost like searching the house for the remote control instead of walking to the TV to change the channel. For instance, I once rigged a hose from my bathroom faucet to my couch, with a clamp on one end, so I could refill my water glass without getting up. Yes, I'm a regular MacGyver. The true innovation is when I skipped the middle man and just fed a catheter into a Britta filter. Let's just say if necessity if the mother of invention, then sloth is the father. Which probably means it was an artificial insemination, because he never got around to it.

Today's Jokes Part 2

On this episode of 'Today's Jokes' I actually am just going to make one long joke. To make it clear, these jokes are told in my 'joking persona' and therefore the character delivering them should be judged as a work of fiction:

I hate meeting new people. Whenever I meet new people I get stressed out, my hands get clammy, my muscles freeze in the worst of the flight/fight/f*** response, and I generally am not fond of the new person. So, I've taken to carrying a list in my back pocket. This list is my lifesaver. It features notes that almost guarantee to make even the best planned ice-breaking activity go sour.

When asked, "So, what do you do for a living..."
1. Frown, pull out a pink slip of paper, and yell "Nothing!" Leave, visibly upset.
2. "Oh, I write spam. But just for fun. I don't get paid."
3. "I run and coordinate a fan club for Ron Paul.*"
4. *Glenn Beck
5. *Comedian Andy Dick.
6. I ghost write Twighlight erotic fan-fiction.

When asked, "What are your hobbies..."
1. "Mostly reading. Reading aloud. Reading the Bible aloud. Reading the Bible aloud on a crate. Reading the Bible aloud on a crate on the corner of 50th and 6th. Reading the Bible aloud on a crate on the corner of 50th and 6th, naked.
2. "Oh, I'm a soup enthusiast." Smile. Smile too wide. If someone asks, "What is a soup enthusiast," reply in a loud voice, "Get a load of this guy!" Roll your eyes.
3. "I don't have time for hobbies. As I mentioned before, all of my 6 personalities work full time, isn't that right Harry, Trina?"
4. "Oh, I really like sounding out words. Goo-lah-shhh. See, that was Goulash."
5. "Let me show you." Stand up, start running in place, yelling, punching the air. Attempt a summersault.

When playing the game, Two Truths, One Lie:
1. "Ok, here goes. I'm a terrible liar. Hold on. I once (start cracking up), no wait. Hold on, ok. I once told my dad (start laughing uncontrollably, catch your breath). Wait, skip me,(heavy breathing) skip me."
2. "I like pizza. I don't like pizza. I'm indifferent to pizza. Get it? It's a brain teaser."
3. "Alright, one: I'm like, really good friends with a bunch of celebrities. OK, two: I'm like, super rich, and like, super good looking. And three: I'm like, so humble." When people start guessing which one is the lie, say "Wait, we were supposed to tell a lie?"

That was today's joke(s). Very rough, I know.

Also, funny change to yesterday's joke. It was brought to my attention that the pie joke would be much funnier if instead of lying about the stain on my shirt being my blood (awkward) that it would be better if I accidentally ate a pie filled with my co-worker's blood. So, you know. That.