Last night I received a text message from a stranger who must have thought I was their friend. I decided that I would play along, and found it quite entertaining:
Me: You said you were my worst nightmare, right? You must be Glenn Beck, right wing political commentator and moron. I mean, I'm not trying to call you a moron.
651 500 6008: Lol who are you
Naturally, given this prompt, the only way I could respond was:
Sorry to leave you hanging four readers, but it seems like doing actual work and getting my assignments done is more important than writing daily jokes.
However, here is Today's Joke:
Art school seems to be a void of knowledge. For example, if you ask anyone at art school why they do not know anything, they will undoubtedly respond, "How should I know that, I go to art school."
This can range from acceptable excuse to pitiful excuse. For example, "What are some laws of quantum-mechanics?" "How should I know that, I'm in art school!" - is a perfectly acceptable answer.
"How am I supposed to know Mexicans were native Americans? Wait, Indians here aren't the same Indians there are in India?" This answer, which I got recently (I won't name names) is stretching the art-school cop out.
The worst excuse however came when someone was drawing in terrible perspective. When pointed out, they responded, "How am I supposed to know that, I am in art school."
Is the Marshmallow Peep the chicken equivalent of a blow up doll?
What part of the chicken is the nugget by the way? It is my contention that the nugget must either be the soul of the chicken, or a lump of meat above the pancreas.
Speaking of chicken nuggets, have you ever noticed how babies in strollers are experiencing the best part of their lives and don't even know it? I wish I could eat a tupperware container of honey-nut cheerios, wearing oversized sunglasses while someone pushed me around all day. I imagine heaven is an upright hammock which rolls around and you can take naps in the hot sun. I think the first person to market an adult stroller will be shunned, but the second wave will surely catch on. No more wheel chairs. They are passe, and being in one indicates you have some sort of disability. I don't want people to judge my love of seated rolling as a disability, I'd rather they acknowledge it for what it is: I'm lazy. Let's call apples apples.
I wish we could all indulge in our laziness without being pressured to always do something like "get a job" or "do your homework" or "get dressed in the morning." I'm the type of lazy person that will actually spend hours of hard labor crafting devices to facilitate laziness, almost like searching the house for the remote control instead of walking to the TV to change the channel. For instance, I once rigged a hose from my bathroom faucet to my couch, with a clamp on one end, so I could refill my water glass without getting up. Yes, I'm a regular MacGyver. The true innovation is when I skipped the middle man and just fed a catheter into a Britta filter. Let's just say if necessity if the mother of invention, then sloth is the father. Which probably means it was an artificial insemination, because he never got around to it.
Today's joke is a practical joke, which I accidentally played on myself.
Drink 1 pot of coffee. Study late into the night, and top it off with a bag of microwave popcorn. Eat half a bowl of cereal before realizing the milk is bad. Try to hold that down.
Also, I realized I didn't post yesterday's joke. I didn't have one then, and I don't have one now, but here it goes, improv:
Instead of paying social security, I decided just to return all of my Grandma's birthday cards with checks written out for three dollars and fifty cents, with the area for notes filled out "College." I wish I could live in that ideal world where college tuition could be covered selling penny candy. Unfortunately, the last time I went door to door selling candy for school, I was met with much resistance. Apparently, people can't get behind a man's quest for education, who happens to have a beard. It also might've been my only choices were a half-finished bag of Swedish Fish and a Luna bar.
When I was in grade school they used to ask children to fundraise for field trips by handing out catalogs of expensive wrapping paper, chocolate covered nuts in decorative packages, and $45 dollar ornaments of smiling snowmen. If you sold a certain number of nut bags you were rewarded with a yo-yo or maybe a Nerf gun. If you were the top seller you got a 10" television with built in VCR. Not surprisingly, the top earners in our class went on to make great telemarketers, sales reps, and prostitutes.
I was morally opposed to selling myself out on the street, whether it be for wrapping paper or whatever. I was not, however, morally opposed to placing fake orders in my friend's names and then eating the resulting fraud-chocolate.
On this episode of 'Today's Jokes' I actually am just going to make one long joke. To make it clear, these jokes are told in my 'joking persona' and therefore the character delivering them should be judged as a work of fiction:
I hate meeting new people. Whenever I meet new people I get stressed out, my hands get clammy, my muscles freeze in the worst of the flight/fight/f*** response, and I generally am not fond of the new person. So, I've taken to carrying a list in my back pocket. This list is my lifesaver. It features notes that almost guarantee to make even the best planned ice-breaking activity go sour. When asked, "So, what do you do for a living..." 1. Frown, pull out a pink slip of paper, and yell "Nothing!" Leave, visibly upset. 2. "Oh, I write spam. But just for fun. I don't get paid." 3. "I run and coordinate a fan club for Ron Paul.*" 4. *Glenn Beck 5. *Comedian Andy Dick. 6. I ghost write Twighlight erotic fan-fiction. When asked, "What are your hobbies..." 1. "Mostly reading. Reading aloud. Reading the Bible aloud. Reading the Bible aloud on a crate. Reading the Bible aloud on a crate on the corner of 50th and 6th. Reading the Bible aloud on a crate on the corner of 50th and 6th, naked. 2. "Oh, I'm a soup enthusiast." Smile. Smile too wide. If someone asks, "What is a soup enthusiast," reply in a loud voice, "Get a load of this guy!" Roll your eyes. 3. "I don't have time for hobbies. As I mentioned before, all of my 6 personalities work full time, isn't that right Harry, Trina?" 4. "Oh, I really like sounding out words. Goo-lah-shhh. See, that was Goulash." 5. "Let me show you." Stand up, start running in place, yelling, punching the air. Attempt a summersault.
When playing the game, Two Truths, One Lie: 1. "Ok, here goes. I'm a terrible liar. Hold on. I once (start cracking up), no wait. Hold on, ok. I once told my dad (start laughing uncontrollably, catch your breath). Wait, skip me,(heavy breathing) skip me." 2. "I like pizza. I don't like pizza. I'm indifferent to pizza. Get it? It's a brain teaser." 3. "Alright, one: I'm like, really good friends with a bunch of celebrities. OK, two: I'm like, super rich, and like, super good looking. And three: I'm like, so humble." When people start guessing which one is the lie, say "Wait, we were supposed to tell a lie?"
That was today's joke(s). Very rough, I know.
Also, funny change to yesterday's joke. It was brought to my attention that the pie joke would be much funnier if instead of lying about the stain on my shirt being my blood (awkward) that it would be better if I accidentally ate a pie filled with my co-worker's blood. So, you know. That.
The following are probably not very funny, most of them don't even have punch-lines. This is the kind of humor you can expect hanging out with me (a few of these are collaborative efforts).
Baby showers are always awkward, because their small hands can never really work a loofa.
At work I ate the last piece of strawberry pie, clearly labeled "Do not eat." Later someone noticed a stain on my shirt. They asked, "What is that?" I said, "Oh, this... is just my blood."
When a lot of my friends can't find the right words, or they are trying to redirect the subject of a conversation, the pause is often followed with: "But... fuckin'... That guy I met last night told me yadda yadda yadda..." If you're having a slow day, the conversation you hear instead is, "Butt-fucking that guy I met last night..."
On that same note, often times people try and stop swearing by replacing a certain word with another, similar sounding word. Example "Fucking --> Friggin." The funny thing then is when someone will not swear with one word but with another. Like "You Friggin Asshole!" The funnier thing is that now you've created another accidental sentence. "You frig an asshole."
That's right man. This is the reason. Not because I don't like you guys, and not because these aren't hilarious. But because I wanted to be your roommate. But instead you broke my heart. See you never again.
I stole this from LOA. I've tried to cut down on my blog thefts as of late, but after a very long day I couldn't resist sharing something that made me laugh so hard.
Zach Galifianakis is hilarious. He also did a sick video for Fiona Apple's "Not About Love," which is, unfortunately, not available for embedding...
But... I can't stop laughing. This would've fit into a Dave Chapelle show really well. Did somebody do the bourgeoisie remix yet? Chad Bradley Brent Brice Clarence etc.
April 18, 2009
Now, this blog post requires a little bit of user interaction. Hit play on the Youtube video. Then close your eyes, wait ten seconds, then scroll down. It's these sort of intricate and convoluted scenarios that make the world fun.
I'm just a bachelor Lookin' for a partner Someone who knows how to ride Without even fallin' off
Timbaland broke onto the scene with Genuwine on this classic 90's bump&grind song, "My Pony." Not only did it forever introduce us to a bass line that sounds like someone burping and Timbaland's super-gated hi-hats, but it also guaranteed that everyone who put this into the tape deck/ cd player/ ipod will be getting a piece of the action.
So go on girl. Turn down the lights. Light a few candles. Slip into that little number, cause I have mine on already. Ooh, what's this? A platter full of chocolate strawberries? I've got the champagne girrrrl. Let's make this happen:
*** I was originally going to use Biggie Small's "F*ckin you tonight" for this post, but it isn't on Youtube.
Today I went to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts to do research for a paper that I just started writing but now have been sidetracked because I have to share this first.
I walked in, checked my backpack into the coat check and went in the restroom. And as soon as I walked in, I was flashed, by a very large old man in a Twins jersey who looked like Santa Claus. What is the appropriate response in this situation? Is it to laugh, go to the urinal, wash your hands and leave? Because that's what I did. The most awkward part of the whole experience was that he didn't flash me then leave. He flashed me, washed his hands, dried them, went into the stall, then came out and stared at the mirror.
My boss just called me and wants me to present with him at a big arts education convention on Friday. Can I retroactively update my resume on things I already applied for?
"Sir, your charge will be dismissed, under the condition that you do not get drunk and take off your pants on the bus again. No one wants to see that."
"Oh, is this the case about the girlfriend and the pee? Yeah, that's dismissed."
I've been meaning to post about this for a while, but of course I've been distracted.
In the same vein as OverheardinNY or something similar, I have heard ridiculous things on the bus going to work and school over the past week. Here are a few examples:
Guy in funny hat to guy next to me: "You've got some beautiful wood." (This morning, the man sitting next to me was carrying planks of wood).
Old man to young man: "You don't know a muthafucking thing about the Native Americans" Young man #1: "I'm doing my graduate thesis on displaced people and chemistry..." Old woman, interjecting: "It's what they say, you can't trust everything you read." Old man: "That's right. You white people killed ous brothers. YOU (directed at young man) killed MY ancestors!" Old woman: "Mmmm hmmm. And I got it the worst of all. I'm black and native. You ever see that one movie, you know, about prohibition." Young man #1: "Um... no, what." Old woman: "You know, that guy... Sir... Sir.... Sir something. And that water world guy?" Young man #1: "I'm not very good at remembering. I'm trying to quit smoking." Old woman: "My son is 37 years old, and he never smoked in his life. If you had good parents you wouldn't be smoking." Young man #1: "No, my parents smoked. I'm actually a recovering alcoholic." Old woman: "You real mixed up in bad things. SEAN CONNERY! That's it, Sir Sean Connery." Old man: "James Bond!" Old woman: "You remember now? It's coming back to you now?" Young man #1: "I don't think I've seen this movie." Old woman: "You've seen it. Waterworld, who's that guy." Young man #2, from back of the bus: "Kevin Bacon." Young man #1: "No, Kevin Costner." Old Woman: "Yeah, Kevin Costner. You remember now." Young man #1: "No, you know. My memory is bad. You're also talking to a guy who had chemotherapy." Old man: "Shut the fuck up." Young woman, who has been rolling her eyes for fifteen minutes: "Will you all SHUT THE FUCK UP!" At this point I got off the bus, but not before I heard a half bus shouting match that circled back to Native American history, with someone saying the word "Injuns."
I was reading just now (not the homework which I started to read and then stopped reading) about how to increase blog traffic. The easiest way is to be popular, or be Kanye West, who apparently has one of the most visited blogs (although I have to say he does deliver weird videos almost as much as I do).
The second sneaky way is to talk about current events, or be in the know about something. I cannot do either since my television doesn't work and I am only in the know about what I did today.
The best advice, however, is to be sneaky, and title your post "Naked Teenagers," which is a funny idea. It apparently acts as bait for every person who enters that into a search engine. The best part about this though is that I work in Teen Programs at the Walker Art Center, and I am often responsible for coming up with new content for their website.
The Walker Art Center Teen Arts Council is responsible for curating and organizing events for teens and young adults to connect them to contemporary art. One of these said events is called "Hot Art Injection," a childish play on words (hot beef injections). Well, when I looked at our Google analytics at the WACTAC it turns out most people visited that site after searching for "hot & teens." Welcome to the internet.
My last 3 Netflix rentals have been zombie movies, which are fucking awesome. Here's what I've watched so far:
I Drink Your Blood
Evil Dead
Night of the Living Dead
These are what I have coming up: Dawn of the Dead Day of the Dead Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn Army of Darkness Dead Alive Zombie Return of the Living Dead Return of the Living Dead 2 Land of the Dead Fido White Zombie
Zombie movies are fantastic, because it is a movie you can live vicariously through, like any horror film, where you can say "Don't go in there!" or "Oh shit, he's going to die." or "Stop reading the book of shadows asshole!" It makes us believe that we are going to be much better equipped for the Zombie holocust. My first foray into the Zombie genre, as I believe is true of many of my peers, was through the movie "28 Days Later." This is one of my favorite movies of all time. (To be fair since the infected aren't the undead they aren't really zombies, but it's the same concept).
Danny Boyle is a great fucking director. I still haven't seen Slum Dog Millionaire which should probably replace those next Zombie movies at the top of my queue. But I diverge. Zombie movie are fucking awesome.
One of the greatest parts of zombie movies is coming up with a creative reason to why zombies are alive and how they create more zombies. Until the recent creation of the "infecting" zombie created by movies such as 28 Days Later and the remake of Dawn of the Dead, most zombies were brought to life by magic, pure evil, the devil or some sort of space based entity (aliens, radiation, etc).
I Drink Your Blood had the interesting idea of creating zombies by those infected with rabies. Not only were the zombies rabid, but they also belonged to a satanic cult. Double-whammy. This provides a the convieniance of solving both of the fundamental zombie problems: Rabies cause the madness, and rabies is spread through bites, etc.
Night of the Living Dead's zombies are true zombies, who are reanimated through extreme radiation that was caused by a probe sent to venus by NASA. This probe cause those who had recently died (and therefore not decomposed) to seek out human flesh. This is a good solution, because once the zombies have killed and eaten part of a human they too are reanimated and prepared to eat other humans (this also allows for a ghoulish look as most of the zombies have flesh wounds).
The most disappointing reanimation technique for me is magic. It is the least believable and therefore the least scary. I'm never going to worry about the evil woods attacking my friends and turning us into zombies (a la Evil Dead). However, RAGE virus, shit, that's just mutated rabies as far as I'm concerned. Plus those guys aren't sluggish zombies, they're faster than lightning. Apparently if you're a zombie you also become a world class track athlete.
Anyway, I know this post is probably super boring to anyone who isn't obsessed with zombies (and I only know about two people that might be), so I'll leave you with sage advice:
1. Once your loved ones are bitten, kill them. Don't wait to see if they might have immunity to zombie bites. They don't. Bludgeon them in the head, or shoot them in the head.
2. Kill any zombie you see when not being chased. You might say "Oh, he can't see me, I don't want to go out of my way to kill him." But he will bite two, then they both will bite two, then all those will bite two. Now you're dealing with fifteen zombies. See what I mean?
3. Don't read the book of the dead. Really, leave it alone. If you're a book worm just bring Huckleberry Finn to the cabin out in the woods.
4. Don't listen to the radio. One second it will tell you to stay indoors. Then, after you boarded up the house and are surrounded by zombies it will say "Oops, sorry, go to these shelters." Once you've fought through a hoard of zombies, lost half of your team and reached the shelter, it will turn out they were overrun weeks ago. So don't do it.
If anyone feels like watching zombie movies with me (I'm completely serious here) let me know. I am going to be gone for a week but when I return it'll be zombie time, all the time.
Pretty soon I'm going to go crazy and start wandering outside in my bathrobe, mumbling to myself...
That's not true. I don't own a bathrobe.
Here's some stuff:
This is from when I cleaned my apartment thoroughly in February. I said, "Hey, I wonder if I could move the stove and clean under there." Unfortunately I could. Although I did save $35 dollars on my 1991 Playboy subscription.
Seeing as I finished my application to RISD a month ago I put it out of my mind, only to remember that I still needed to send in my drawing samples. So for the past three days I've been summoning all of my pencil skills, and consequently I've been doing really poorly on my midterm projects. Oh well. Here are some snowflakes, for a drawing that has the instructions "Alter a piece of paper, then draw that." All of these drawings are 16" x 20".
Here's the details, but I think you can click on the pictures and they get bigger. I'm not sure. Oh, this was my second sculpture for sculpture class. It's a coffin and a frog. It was a "Found wooden object/play on words" assignment. I found the frog... in my room. Painted him. Made a coffin out of masonite, veneered it with cedar, and lined it with velvet. I even constructed velvet cushions which line the inside (you can't really see them here).
Here's the infamous RISD bike drawing. This was a bitch and caused me to go temporarily blind, since I was drawing it in low light from the bike in my kitchen. I like it a lot, and compared to the last bike I drew it is much better. I decided to make it look like a manual showing how to put it together.
Here's a detail of the pedals and front gear shifter.
Here's a detail of the back gear shifter.
Ok, I've got to go now. I should really be drawing and/or studying. Or napping. But definitely not on the internet.
I think this is why I always wanted a dog as a little boy. You might remember I posted about my VHS collection of 80's classics earlier, and I mentioned "The Point." Well, this was my favorite song. I've remembered it to this day:
Here's some more stuff I have on VHS that's also on Youtube:
Send me a postcard, drop me a line, stating point of view...
I also remember the commercials really vividly:
Ok, I think it might be time for me to take a blogging break now that I just spent fifteen minutes watching Youtube commercials from the 80's.
Here's a detail of the pedals and front gear shifter.
Ok, I've got to go now. I should really be drawing and/or studying. Or napping. But definitely not on the internet.
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