Today's Joke

I sometimes act in an irrational fashion.

For example, I do not have the internet at my home, nor television. So when I finish my homework I generally read a book, or even better, go to sleep. However, last night instead of using the precious ONE NIGHT that I didn't have a copious amount of homework to do, I made a beef roast. Do you know how long you need to simmer a beef roast on the stove for it to cook? 1 hour per pound plus 1 hour. For those of you that like algebra, here it is : T=Cook Time (in hours) P = Pounds H=Hour

(P x H) + H = T

I had a three and a half pound roast. I started the oven timer at 12:00 am. I am an idiot.

This morning, after not sleeping, I realized I'm old. My body cannot take this anymore. I'm not 12. My ankles and knees are swollen, my lower back aches, I've got wrinkles and dark circles. 21 years is apparently past the expiration date on my warranty.

With all this talk of universal health, it got me to thinking about pushing some legislation I've been thinking about. It falls under the category of life insurance I suppose, although I think it would be referred to "male, 15-25, bad decisions insurance."

The plan is that I take your money. I put it in a cookie jar. For every drink you imbibe, I take ten cents on the dollar. For every cigarette I charge a dollar per pack. This steep hike in price sounds like a lot, but this isn't even insurance I suppose. See, the plan is to grow organs matrix style and put that shit on layaway. By the time you turn forty and your liver and lungs are shot, BADOW! You've just paid the cost of a new liver and lungs. If you don't make it to forty, shit... your money is going to the beer fund.

I like the idea of putting body parts on layaway. I hear that super stars and super models insure their bodies all the time, like Heidi Klum insured her legs. I figure if you're a drunk frat boy, why shouldn't I be able to provide you with this exclusive service. I promise most of the organs won't come from monkeys or pigs, but if you're on a budget I know a man who has a beaver ranch. Whoa. Sorry for the incendiary language, that came out wrong. What I'm saying is beavers have strong hearts.